Power Plays

Power Plays, Power Moves, and Microaggressions in Relationships: A Guide to Recognising and Responding

Power dynamics exist in every human relationship. They show up at work, in families, in friendships, in our romantic relationships – and even in the counselling room. Sometimes they are obvious: a raised voice, a threat, a demand. More often, they are subtle: a sigh, a dismissive comment, a carefully timed silence.

I have had clients say things like:

“I don’t know why I feel so small when I’m around them.”
“Every conversation turns into me apologising.”
“I leave interactions feeling confused, like I’ve done something wrong.”

What they are often experiencing are power plays, power moves, or microaggressions – small but meaningful ways that control, dominance, or emotional leverage is displayed within relationships.

This blog explores where these behaviours come from, why they exist, how they impact us psychologically, and, more importantly, how we can respond without losing ourselves in the process.

What do I mean by “Power Plays” and “Power Moves”?

A power play is any behaviour used to gain control, dominance, or advantage in an interaction, often at another person’s expense. A power move is usually subtler: a micro-behaviour that asserts superiority, undermines another, or shifts the balance of a situation.

Examples will often include:

• Talking over someone repeatedly
• Dismissing feelings as “overreacting”
• Withholding affection, communication, or support
• Constantly correcting or “one-upping”
• Making jokes that subtly belittle
• Shifting blame when challenged

Closely related are microaggressions – brief, everyday snubs or invalidations that communicate disrespect or inferiority. While the term originated in social psychology to describe racial and cultural experiences of marginalisation, the process is the same in personal relationships: small actions that repeatedly say, “Your experience matters less than mine.”

None of these necessarily stand out in isolation. Their power lies in repetition.

The Psychology of Power

One of the most influential frameworks for understanding power comes from social psychologists John French and Bertram Raven, who proposed the Five Bases of Power: Coercive power – control through fear, threat, or punishment. Reward power – influence through approval or incentives. Legitimate power – authority based on role or hierarchy. Expert power – influence based on knowledge or competence. Referent power – influence based on admiration or attachment. In healthy relationships, power is fluid and shared. One person may hold expertise in one area, another in a different area. Decisions are negotiated, not imposed. In unhealthy relationships, power becomes something to protect or hoard rather than share. Influence is no longer collaborative, it becomes controlling.

From a psychological perspective, this often reflects:

• Insecure attachment
• Fear of vulnerability
• Need for dominance to manage anxiety
• Early relational learning about safety and control

In other words, power plays are rarely about strength, but usually have come about through fear.

Transactional Analysis and “Games”

One of the most helpful lenses for understanding these patterns comes from Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by Eric Berne. In his influential book Games People Play, Berne described how people unconsciously fall into repetitive relational “games” – predictable patterns of interaction that offer emotional payoffs, even when they are painful.

Examples can include:

• “Why don’t you – yes but” (where help is invited but never accepted)
• “If it weren’t for you” (blaming another for their own unhappiness)
• “Now I’ve got you” (waiting for mistakes to assert superiority)

Power plays often operate within these games. One person unconsciously adopts a role (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer), and the other is pulled into a complementary role.

What keeps these games going is not any reasonable logic, but familiarity. Even distressing patterns can feel safer than uncertainty.

Common power moves and microaggressions

Some of the most common patterns I hear in counselling include:

1. Gaslighting – Making someone doubt their memory, perception, or reality. This is linked to cognitive manipulation and can destabilise a person’s sense of self-trust.

2. Withholding – Using silence, affection, attention, or resources as leverage. Psychologically, this activates attachment fear and creates emotional dependency.

3. One-Upmanship – Always needing to be right, smarter, or more competent. This often masks deep insecurity and fear of inadequacy.

4. Blame Shifting – Avoiding responsibility by locating fault in others. This protects the self-image of the person using it, while eroding the confidence of the other.

5. Minimising and Dismissing –

“You’re too sensitive.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Over time, these behaviours can create:

• Self-doubt
• Hypervigilance
• Emotional exhaustion
• Loss of confidence
• Suppression of needs
• Confusion about their own thoughts and feelings

What makes them so damaging is that they are often covert. There is no clear “incident” to point to, just a slow erosion of self-trust.

Why do people use Power Plays?

Power-based behaviour usually originates from our early understanding of relationships. Many people who rely on control learned, consciously or unconsciously, that:

• vulnerability is unsafe
• emotions lead to rejection
• closeness leads to loss
• dominance prevents abandonment

From an attachment perspective (Bowlby; Ainsworth), power plays can be understood as maladaptive strategies to regulate closeness and safety. From a psychodynamic view, they may represent defences against shame, helplessness, or dependency.

It’s worth noting, understanding the origin does not mean excusing the impact.

Being on the receiving end

Research into emotional manipulation and relational aggression shows consistent effects:

• lowered self-esteem
• increased anxiety
• depressive symptoms
• impaired decision-making
• difficulty trusting own perceptions

When power is used to dominate rather than collaborate, the nervous system moves into threat mode. The body experiences these interactions not as “disagreements” but as a danger.

This is why I often hear clients say things like:

“I freeze.”
“I can’t think straight in those moments.”
“I don’t feel like myself anymore.”